MICROMANAGING DEPRESSION

Ten years ago, if someone had told me I’d be where I am right now, I most likely would’ve laughed in their face. Before 2015 I don’t think I had faced any real adversity in my life and for most parts that was a good thing but then off late when I think about it, it would’ve made me tougher and more prepared for the years ahead. Like most people I've struggled with depression and one thing I know is that it takes a different form in most people.

Depression for me is waking up in the morning and not feeling the urge or need to do anything at all or waking up all pumped up ready to take the day in my stride but then at some point during the day something happens that triggers me. Might be a thought of something in the past that I haven’t forgiven myself for or scrolling through any one of these social media apps and seeing some fucked up incident that has happened. Depression is also being angry for no damn reason. You’re vexed at anything and everything. Someone could be eating their food in peace and the way they’re chewing just pisses you off, or you’ll get back home, and your dog will be so happy to see you but then you just shout at them to fuckoff because you’re having one of those days. So yeah these are just a few of the many forms that depression takes and here are some of the steps I’ve taken to make it a bit more bearable.

 TALKING –   identifying your tribe is first and foremost the most important thing to do. Having individual/s around you that you can talk to goes a long way in feeling less sad. Talking doesn’t always mean you have to talk about your emotions and how you’re feeling, at times its having a conversation about a bunch of sweet nothing and the conversation is drifting from one topic to another without even noticing and its sort of like the transitions between songs on a perfectly crafted album like the one from 4422 to Gyalchester and the next thing you know is you haven’t thought about how shitty your day was or how depressed you felt for most parts of the day because you’ve been talking for four hours and thirty seconds. On other occasions talking to someone that has had similar experiences as you really helps because if the person you’re talking to is further along in their journey with depression and they seem to be a bit better at coping with it, then there’s a high chance you can learn a lot from them. Oh, and as a guy, it is easier for me to talk to my male friend about all things mental health related because well we’ve got similar lived experiences, and its easier to relate (oh and the fact that mandem find a way to joke about anything and everything makes it more bearable). The key is to have someone who listens to you, someone that doesn’t judge you, someone that can be honest with you (lets you know you’ve fucked up), and most important of all someone you can trust. It is also important to know that as much as we want these attributes in the people we confide in, it's also important to nurture these attributes in ourselves because then we can make the world a bit more bearable for the people around us. We’re all going through shit and if we can be someone else’s pressure release valve even if it's for a minute, we’ll all be better.

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 WORK OUT – I haven’t always been consistent with working out. Most times I start to help me better cope with my depression and then along the way I get overwhelmed with the depression so much that I then stop working out. For most parts, it has been an endless loop. I hate it because I do feel better working out but then shit happens that causes me to feel demotivated which then makes me spiral into a state of being unproductive and doing less than the bare minimum to get by. This really is a fucked-up place to be in. This year, however, has been different and I’ve been a lot more consistent with the gym and I can say this is the best shape I’ve been in in a long time. It has been an uphill battle however because staying consistent with the gym is HARD. Some days I don’t feel like going but I do, other days if I’m not up for it I just don’t bother. One thing that has made the difference though this time around is that when I started working out this year it was with some friends and I found that on days that I wasn’t really feeling up for it, they somehow got me to get off my ass and show up. And to be honest with the gym, at times showing up is all that really matters. Working out helps me think better, makes me feel better about myself, and most of all discipline. So yeah, working out definitely helps and if you’re reading this and you struggle with staying consistent because of depression, don’t sweat it when you miss a day or two, there’s always going to be tomorrow, and showing up is all that matters.

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 DO MORE OF WHAT YOU LOVE - doing things you genuinely enjoy is a great way to get yourself to feel better. I love movies and shows and one thing that has been helpful on some shitty days is rewatching a season from a favorite tv show or even a movie. So, for me, my go-to show is FRIENDS (if you haven’t seen it you’re doing yourself an injustice) and I found that because I’ve seen it more than a few times knowing what comes next helps alleviate my anxiety. One of the worst things about being depressed for me is the uncertainty that comes with it and I hate it. So in a way knowing what comes next helps me feel at ease and in control even if it's for a brief while. Another benefit is that when you’re fully immersed in an activity you enjoy, is that at that moment nothing else matters and you’re not thinking about whatever struggles you’ve got going on in your life.  The more you do these things the deeper you fall in love with yourself.

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 BE KIND & FORGIVE YOURSELF – We’ve all been in situations where we’ve done things, we’re not proud of or where we’ve made mistakes that have led to grave consequences. I’m a serial overthinker even with the smallest things, so naturally, I replay situations in my head a lot. I could be hanging with friends and suddenly I find myself thinking about something I did four years ago or something that happened and the next thing my mood has completely changed. One thing that has helped me forgive myself is making amends if I can. Never be too proud to apologize to someone you’ve wronged or have a heartfelt conversation about something that went wrong. Half the time the scenarios I make up in my head (that keep me from making amends) are much worse than how things will pan out in real life. And for situations that are beyond our control, if you’re a religious person let go and have faith in God to take control. Even with things that we can make amends for, letting go is the best thing we can do because if we allow ourselves to be consumed by them, they only hold us down.

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 FEEL – allowing yourself to feel is probably the most important thing to do when dealing with depression. At times I’m not even sure of how I’m feeling. I just know I’m feeling something. When things happen that causes us to feel a plethora of emotions all at once, it's easier to just ignore them than deal with them at that moment. Ignoring your emotions and not allowing yourself to fully process them is sort of like when you’re in a relationship and when your partner does something that doesn’t sit well with you, instead of addressing the issue at hand, you wave it off and sweep it under the rug. It's easier to do this so then you find yourself doing it more and more. The downside however is that it creates a heap of garbage you’ll need to address eventually but then along the line resentment builds which isn’t healthy for your relationship. The point I’m trying to make is that when we neglect our emotions, it eats us up on the inside. When we allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions it helps us become more self-aware and that can help us avoid similar situations that will cause us to feel shitty, because tbh at times we don’t help ourselves by constantly doing things that are self-sabotaging. So, when you’re feeling things whether it’s sadness, guilt, anger, fear, joy,or whatever we must allow ourselves to feel and if crying will help, CRY; if screaming will help, SCREAM; if you feel like talking, reach out to a trusted friend. JUST FEEL.